It has been a year since he broke up with me, and been 1.5 years since I saw him for the last time at Charles De Gaulle. This year has changed me a lot.
I came to Australia last July (2015) and was not expecting this (breaking up) happened. I was the old Rini back then.
I knew it that I and he had argued a lot but I had never really wanted I would have been apart from him (emotionally). We had a long distance relationship for the last 6 months before my departure to Australia. I thought we were fine because I trusted him and having an LDR didn’t really bother me. We might have been separated physically, but we were quite engaged emotionally since we had been together for almost 3 years.
We undeniably sometimes had intense arguments and we felt like we hated each other, but I assumed it was just an upside down, and I presumed that he would have never cheated on my trust.
Well, I guess I was wrong.
He said it was on September 7 2015 that we broke up, I didn’t actually recall the date. What I keep in mind was that he texted me saying a long farewell letter on BlackBerry Messenger.
I was not in shock, I was just stunned, didn’t believe that it actually happened.
We were apart for thousands miles and I could say nothing. I was thinking, if it was for my best, then it was meant to be like that, and moreover, I thought if he broke up with me then he was no good for me.
I guess I was trying to just alleviate myself from sorrow and grief. I just disbelieved that I failed again.
I was living in someone’s family and working for them, and I am kind of person who dislikes showing my sadness in front of others, I covered up my anguish and tried to act normally.
Sometimes I cried, but it was infrequently. I extremely pushed myself not to lose my conscience and tried to raise myself up, because I believed that I could carry on and settle down my feeling.
I made more friends on real life or a virtual one; having a random convo, hanging out, traveling, shopping, make-up – ing, and doing a new hobby – photography.
I saved some money just to buy a quite professional camera, I just wanted to be more occupied by doing things.
A friend of mine also suggested to do make up because she said that women would look groomed if they put some make up on them. Then I started buying things which I didn’t use to get along with; concealer, foundation, mascara, eye liner, eye brow pencil, lipsticks, blush on, eye shadows, lip liner, sunscreen, and perfume. Yes, I am getting addicted.
I knew it that he broke up with me because of an (other) pretty girls, so I thought what men look at from girls was how pretty/groomed they are. Then I decided to “clown-ish” myself (to do make up like a clown because I knew that I was not an expertise).
The more I did it, the more I was specialised. I was more artistic drawing at my face.
3 things I am getting used to since then; dressing up, doing make up and taking photographs.
He once said that I was quite fashionable now. Well, I am not really, but I have just started spoiling myself for something that he used to criticise. I was feeling so free.
He might have said that those things I used to impress others. I guess not. They are now things that I am comfortable with.
I have become more fashionable, more glossy and attractive and more confident. However, for men reason, I have become more selective and picky about whom I should be dating or marrying. I thank God until now I haven’t got and decided any men I should live with.
I also traveled to some places while I was in Australia. Traveling was something that he really dislikes.
Once he said: “women are not supposed to be outside, it’s dangerous and risky. What if someone kidnaps and harass you and you can do nothing. Women are better to stay at home and listen to their partners”.
I knew it that he hated me because I was so rebellious and didn’t want to listen to what he said. But I really want to prove him wrong.
I may have been so neglecting, but it didn’t mean that I didn’t obey him,I didn’t listen to him and I didnt trust him, I just wanted to say that I was so excited to see the world and look at the people out there because they might open my mind, I didn’t want to be left behind and left hanging of traditional perspective. I am not kind of girl.
I sense knowledge which I can pick wherever I go. I know that it is hard for me to study abroad, then my eyes saw opportunity to learn things when I was in Europe,things which I can’t obtain in my home country, and I can’t get if I just settle at home.
So why not traveling?
I did some solo traveling when I was in Australia and I was safe. Many things happened but I counted them as lessons for life; I made friends, I ran out of money, got nowhere to stay, got stuck in a transit train, but I could solve those, by myself and see how intelligent I was to release my own problems.
I have also made some friends by doing so and I am so happy now to see my fb time line is fulled by some different languages. I can also now travel to some of them who live overseas and they will be pleased to host me as well.
So, life is good by traveling, isn’t it?
I may have not achieved my masters degree, but I will keep traveling to keep my sight away from confinement and to prove him that I am now more independent than he may have thought.
And I thank him that he broke up with me, because if he didn’t do so, I wouldn’t be so more courageous to live my life alone.
This one year has changed me a lot.