Thanks God I’m not married. 

If I could ever ask any women in this world whether they want to get married or not, I believe most of them say “yes”.

Who doesn’t want a marriage life? Living with the man you love, building a family and having children. It’s every woman’s dream.

Some of them marry in the early age, some do in their 30’s or even 40’s. How can this be different? I reckon most women dream about getting married before 30’s, but sometimes reality tests us, examine how patient we wait, how persistent we look for the right one, and how tough we struggle with the failures.

It’s about faith and destiny.

I myself, in less than 2 years, will be 30 years old, and yes I am single.

How come I am still single? Is it a choice or a destiny? I guess I answer both.

I now realise that the more you fail, the less you try to find and trust another one. I just don’t feel like doing so.

When I was a kid, I told myself that my ideal age for getting married was 27 years old, and well I have been through that years almost 2 years ago and reality didn’t make it.

Did I ever attempt to see somebody? Of course I did, few times, but never worked out.

I first dated a guy when I was in the second year of my college. He was nice and seemed serious. He came over to my house several times and his parents even visited mine as well. We were talking about marriage at that time, it was when I was like 20 years old. I did love him but I thanked God that He showed me that this guy cheated on me and I decided to break up with him. His parents really liked me but I said I couldn’t carry on if my faith had been torn apart. He is now already married and has a son. He is still on my Facebook as well as his wife and I become a good friend for them and no more feelings.

A year later, I met another guy who is actually still my relative. We had a really good time and we had vision of what our relationship would be like. We absolutely had upside down but I thought we could manage it. Until then, he rang me on 1 January and told me that his mom couldn’t agree that we were together. Our families were like drifted and swayed. We were like hating each other since then. I decided to leave him because I believed it was the best for the two of us and our families as well. I had no idea what he was like after that but I knew that he hates me until now. He is now married and live happily with his wife and they are expecting a baby now. Well, congratulation then. I now have forgotten about him, about the hatred and about all the memories. I have buried it long time ago and I have reconciled my feeling.

One year after that, when I just adapted with the new work environment, I accidentally met a colleague. He was in a maroon shirt and looked calm and fabulous. He was a bit clumsy and shy and I was a bit ignorant as well. He was my friend’s junior. I admit it that he impressed me at the first glance. My intuition said that he would be the most important man in my life, and as time went by, he came to me and said that he liked me.

I never expected he came into my life after my last commotion and my heart still felt unsure. I counted days and thought how long it would last. Until then he was my most cherished one and the one who have shifted my world and turned me into someone else.

It was because of him that I could move to Bandung, the place which I always dreamed to live in.

It was because of him that I could teach in an English-speaking environment.

It was because of him that I could have a boyfriend who studied in the very prestigious university.

It was because of him that I could finally make me travel the world.

It was because of him that I could finally go to Paris because he was studying there.

It was because of him that I could know how hard to have an LDR and how difficult it was to hold on to your love when you finally saw another one who was more attractive, more ingenious and more reachable.

And it was because of him that I could feel my heart shattered at the end.

He was my pride, the one I was expecting to be my future, but unfortunately he never saw me that way.

He broke up with me when our relationship almost reached 3 years. Yes 3 years. But I never knew how long exactly we were together since sometimes he told me he loved me, the other times he said I was no one to him.

I didn’t even know what we were. Sometimes we loved each other but hated on the other side.

I never knew how precious I was to him but I always tried to do my best.

He left me for Paris to study and I left him for Australia to work. We broke up when we were separated miles away.

The most amazing feeling I’ve ever had when he said we broke up, I didn’t cry or whine as if I had known that it would have happened.

It was a year ago and it means that it’s been a year that I am single. It doesn’t mean that I never try to see anybody, I did, but no one worked out, nobody whom I could believe. And yes my heart remains numb.

I still talk to my ex-boyfriend and sometimes I am curious how serious he is now to me,but I guess nothing changes. Well, we are just friends then.

He may be my most loved one, but for now, I don’t intend to deepen my feeling to anybody. I don’t expect a boyfriend, I need a future husband. If anybody doesn’t plan to marry, I decide that I won’t put impression. I want to remain single than have to be fooled again.

As I read an article stating that Higher IQ women tend to be a single lady than to be with the wrong person. I couldn’t agree more.

Those who have failed do not mean they are not capable of chasing a lover, it means they don’t deserve a loser, it means they need to spend more time for themselves and it means they train themselves to be a more qualified woman.

All I can say is that Thanks God I’m not married so that I can travel, I can dare myself to speak and to see more people and to explore more places and the last but not least, I can see myself of whom I should marry with and what kind of person I should give my love to.

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